a touch of the cry of my heart.

To whoever reads this;

I just ask for prayer. My heart is heavy laden. I want to embrace this new season of life that I am entering into. i want to learn, to grow, and to be more of the woman God has created me to be, confidently. I want to stand strong and not crumble in weakness. I don’t want to feel pitied in certain areas. I want to be joyful. I want to be so much more dependent upon my Father in Heaven in so many ways. I want to feel the love of my Savior for me. I want to find my acceptance and love in Him alone. I want to not be afraid. I want to wear the armor of God. I want to walk in a manner worthy of the calling I have received. I want to build people up. I want to know what my opinions actually are. I want to see followers of Jesus be united and laying ourselves down and being servants to each other and the world. I want to worship with my life, my all. I want to be pleasing to my God. I want to believe. I want to remember. I want to bear with people. I want to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. I want Jesus to be my everything. I desire confidence. I need to remember.

I need Jesus. I need His love. His fight. His jealousy. His truth. His words. His grace. His mercy. His patience. His confidence. Him.

 

I want to fall more in love with Jesus.

”He is jealous for me…” May your love for me God overwhelm me, please.

Ask and you shall receive.

My heart is heavily burdened. I’ve prayed for my heart to break for what breaks God’s hearts…and I believe my prayer is being answered.

So here is the issue…
God’s children, are a completely unwilling people. We are selfish, self- centered, and in love with our own sin.

Jesus was willing to suffer beyond what we can even imagine…and was willing to DIE a thief’s death for us….yet what are we willing to do for Him?
     We complain about everything…we complain about what we do, where we are, who we not with, what we are not doing, where we aren’t….we are consumed with ourselves and what we want in this life and our desires. and this causes us to be unwilling to do what Christ asks of us no matter how big or how small.
unwillingness is disobedience. and complaining, does not help our case.

Is Jesus not greater to us than the people in our lives? the place we are at? what we desire? our acts of service?…We place idols over Jesus constantly without even realizing. (what are your idols?)Our hearts are unwilling to do, to be, to go, WHATEVER Jesus says, wherever He has us in life…we are unwilling to embrace it and make the most of it and to learn. (because yes, it may be hard and not what we want!)
This breaks the heart of God.
Can we not just embrace God and life no matter what the circumstances? Can we not just choose to enjoy, no matter the cost? Can we not just be willing to do anything, to be anywhere for Jesus? Can we not just make Jesus the King of our hearts, Lord of our lives, and the best thing to us?
After all, He is worthy….yet our lives don’t show that.

Yes, we have great times of worship where our lives may show He is worthy…but what about our daily lives? our thoughts every second? Do they show that Jesus is worthy?

My prayer, is that people don’t just agree with what I am saying…but that breaking the heart of God, breaks yours. That realizing that we are an unwilling people, will not settle well with us, and that all of God’s children, will be moved to action. To learn to be content and to be joyful as long as we have Jesus no matter where we are in life whether we desire to be there or not. no matter what we are doing in life, whether we want to be doing that or not. no matter how big, or how small.
We are here because of, and for God.
May we stop living for ourselves, in sin and start living for You, God, in Your Spirit. In your Love and Grace….

The love of Jesus is one of a kind. It runs deeper and satisfies like no other love can. So why do we not live on His love alone? Why do we complain? Paul tells us not to in Philippians 2.

I trust my God to break the hearts of His children, and to bring us to our knees. To realize its not about us, and to change. To stop living in sin, and live in Him. For He has done great things for us, and will do great things in us. When we are obedient.

May our hearts be willing God, to serve you, no matter the cost to us. Because You were willing, willing to death on a cross for us, Jesus.
  YOU REIGN.

Psalm 62

“My soul finds rest in God alone…” 
    Psalm 62:1

I am really finding this part of verse 1 to be so true and alive to me at the moment.
 

I guess for a while emotionally I have just been up and down, quite a bit for the past 3 weeks or so. It’s been a bit frustrating, and I thought that going away would bring a lot of refreshment and rest for me, but the first few days….were definately not what I was expecting or wanting really. But then one morning, after a bit of prayer, I just woke up ready to take on the world it seemed!

So often we try to find rest and refreshment for our souls from a vacation, water, the beach, sounds, smells, people, conversations, worship, bible reading, television, movies, sleep….etc
      all good things in my opinion! but so often we expect those things, to bring us rest, and to lift us up when really, the only thing that can ever bring us rest is God and God alone. We can find Him in many things, in all these things, but we just need to remember that it is God who gives us rest.

”…Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work.”  Psalm 62:11-12

Refresh Hearts

I was reading Philemon tonight. and thinking about the people who just encourage my heart and who truly have refreshed my heart.

Then I came to the verse where Paul is telling Philemon to receive Onesimus, and that all the wrongs and things he owes to him, to put it to Paul’s account.
  This is very much paints a  great picture of what Christ has done for us. we all have wronged people, we all owe…yet Christ has taken all of those wrongs, and all we owe, all our sin….a sinless man..has taken it all upon Himself and has redeemed us. Put it all to death, and He Himself has risen from Dead…conquered death and we now can have life.

Yet….how often, do we still hold those wrong doings and what people owe us, against them. How often, do we not receive people. This hits me personally as well, for people I care deeply about. But all through the world, CHRISTIANS, seem to be the least receiving of people. myself is included at times unfortunately. My heart cannot handle that anymore. Why can’t we just remember all Christ has done for us, and just receive people. forget their past, forget your bitterness, your fears, your pride and humble yourselves and receive people. Love, as Christ has loved you, because you are not better than anyone else.

Im praying for music…because this touches my heart so much, I want to write a song. cuz people in christian communities, need to stop doing what they’re doing. and let by gones, be by gones.

 

Thank you Lord for what you are doing in hearts…and for humbling us. and working in our lives and drawing us all close to Yourself!


P.S.
   I wonder if Paul purposely wrote things like “confident in your obedience…” and etc…to bring conviction to people. Cuz if Philemon wouldnt have obeyed all that Paul did, how terrible would he have felt, to treat Onesimus as a slave as he once did, rather than putting all his wrongs on Paul’s account…. ?!
  I kinda think he did do it on purpose. and i like that. that’s bold. and sneaky.

Obedience

Anytime I wanna blog, its out of my own personal time with God and its usually like this big long thing I learned from scripture and all that will take me forever to explain.

But right now…there is so much in my head, but one thing sticking out…and it comes from bits of whats all in my head at the moment.

But, Pat Miller came and spoke to us Off The Wallians today, about Isaiah 58, and about being a rebellious people. and Recently, I asked God that if there is anyway in me that I need to work on, to reveal it to me. Cuz i know there is, and im just thinking through a lot at the moment and definately need to just give so much more of myself. but right now what im realizing…is that i am not being faithful, or obedient to the urgings i so often get in my head.

i wonder why financially im lacking trust…and so forth…but it is said that if you are faithful in the small things, God will give you more….responsibility and blessing I believe. Well, its become clear, that its what seems to be so minute, and little that I am not being obedient in. I ignore the little voices in my head that tell me to do something…to go serve…to say something…to do something i don’t necesarrily want to do cuz im just being lazy. i am ignoring those. and until I start being obedient in those little things, I will remain in whatever state it is that I am in, I don’t even know. I want to grow, I want to be a good discipler, a worshiper, all things I am slacking in and need desperate growth, but im not being obedient in the small, so im a bit complacent and lazy.
not good.

So plain and simple. I need to be obedient in the small things. In the simple urgings. It is not about me, or what I want to do in a moment, but about what God is doing to encourage and build His people, His church. Not about me at all, yet so often I live like it is.
Forgive me LORD.

Thank You for YOUR Love, and Mercy, and Faithfulness, even when I lack so much.
Thank You.

“You are good, you are good when there’s nothing good in me….”

check out PSALM 103. My prayer and cry, is to “Bless The LORD, O my soul, with all that is within me…”

Prayer

James 1: 2b
”…you do not have, because you do not ask.”

I was challenged earlier this week to meditate on a few passages that were read on Sunday and preached on, and i am jsut now doing that…but I was reading over a passage in James. and this part of verse 2, stuck out to me.

What am I asking of God? What am i praying for? Are they my own lust and passions, or are they pleasing to God?

So i was thinking about the first question…and what I am entering into the Throne Room of God when I pray…(which im realizing how sucky my prayer life really is, and how so often when we become focused more on ourselves how our prayer life hinders from that deeply).  But so often when i hear this question, my first response is  “i want You, God.” and it just hit me….’duh, I already have Him!” so why am I asking Him, for Him when He has already blessed me with His Holy Spirit!

So I ask again, what am I asking of God? I think weekly the answer to this question can change. But at this moment in time, I want to be confident in Him, in me. I desire confidence, so that He can most glorified and praised in my life, because confidence is a thing i lack quite often. But my heart’s desire is to Prasie God, and bring Him glory, and if I am confident (but not prideful) in His work in and through me, of course He will receive honor and praise!

and of course there are other requests as usual….but i leave you with this question…

Are your prayers/requests to God, genuine, from your heart? Or are you just repeating what you hear other people praying for?

Vulnerability

Vulnerable: ‘capable or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, open to moral attack, criticism…’

Many people are fearful of this word. I would be one of those people. Many people who are fearful of vulnerability, are ones who care too much of other people’s approval. I am one of these people. Many people who are fearful of vulnerability, are people who have insecurity. I am one of these people. Many people who are fearful of vulnerability and never are vulnerable, lack intimate relationships and live in insecurity.

Here is a letter I just wrote to insecurity itself.

“Insecurity I hate you. You make me physically sick. You break deep bonds in my relationships. You make me feel like food shoved down a garbage disposal. I feel worthless and unwanted in your presence. Insecurity you ruin who I really am. You ruin my close friendships. You make me think that it is all my fault. That I can never do anything right.
Insecurity you are a monster. You are deceitful yet powerful. You prey on the bruised and broken. You are full of shame and conceit. you live deep under the roots of anything you can latch onto and rot it until it’s all in pieces and dead.
Insecurity you are evil. I hate you. You ruin everything i have and am.

Insecurity you are unwanted, despised and broken. You think you have power but in the eyes of God you are but a fly under a fly swatter, dead. You try to lie and ruin God’s creation and work but you will not win. Have you not read Revelation? When Jesus returns and reigns and all evil will be thrown away forever. Your included in that evil. You will be destroyed, never to live again. Have you not heard of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross? How He has redeemed and forgiven me from my sins and saved me from an ending like yours? I will not be thrown away like you, or even by you. Because of God who is rich in mercy, I have value, that you envy. I have confidence that you hate. I have power through God’s Holy Spirit that you cannot conquer. I am victorious, which you know nothing of.

You may fool me for a little while, but I know better. I know your fate. My God is greater. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my pride and joy. My identity. You on the other hand, I choose to ignore….so good bye.'”

 

Trust God and rely upon God.

“I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  Psalm 91:2