I used to struggle a lot with unworthiness. I knew and still know that I am completely unworthy of all Christ has done for me and has blessed me with, but I am now to a point where I can and do accept His gifts and blessings with joy! But it didn't used to be that way. At all. And I guess this past week, I have been reminded of that.
This may sound rather selfish and arrogant....but so far in my life, everything I have ever wanted, I have gotten. I've been called spoiled, which hurts, but I've come to realize, that this is how God honors and blesses me for my obedience and submission to Him. And just because He loves me.
Now, I don't just wish for it, and it's there. Not at all. It doesn't work like that. It's been extremely difficult, because of my own selfishness and not wanting to let go of my desires and dreams...but for everything that I have received, I have had to give it up. I had to surrender my dreams and desires before the LORD and truly let them go.....until I was okay and at peace without those things....or those people....until I was okay with just Jesus and content and dependent on Him. And then....I'm blown away, because like God provided a ram for Abraham as he was about ready to sacrifice his promised son, God has given back to me my dreams and made them all a reality. And honestly, this is what I am in the midst of going through right now.....is that in between stage. And it's difficult. But it only makes my faith stronger in that God will provide. He may not provide in the way I would exactly like Him to, but He will provide in a way that is even greater than I could have imagined, and I'm just waiting....and am rather excited!
I am constantly in Awe that God works like this in my life, because I know I am completely unworthy, I have done nothing to deserve such love and honor and favor. But my Heavenly Father continues to lavish upon me His grace and love for my life. And this has only brought me to my knees, and has made me fall more in love with my Savior, and has given me an extremely grateful heart, that is constantly humbled before my LORD. It makes me want to serve Him more, because He treats me with such love and respect and care.
My struggle with this at times....especially when I hear other peoples testimonies and when my heart is broken for other people....is that how can I be living in such favor and have God working like that in my life, when some people have never even experienced God in that way....it doesn't seem fair to me and it probably isn't. And it makes me want to not accept all the blessings from God because I want the others to have them instead, because I know I have hurt God deeply (I've felt a piece of it...), and I know I'm utterly unworthy....
But then I am reminded....that their stories, their hurt, their pain, is not over. And they can experience the God I know...who shows such favor and lavishes upon those who seek Him great love. They can make the choice now to surrender all their dreams and desires, and see God move in such reverent ways to where they receive back their dead (so to speak), and their dreams and experience life to the full. IN CHRIST.
And that becomes my prayer. My fight for the ones God breaks my heart for.
For we are all His. And if we seek Him, if we obey Him, if we surrender ourselves to Him....we will never have reason to doubt what He is capable to do in and through us. And we will experience His love and grace and blessings ABUNDANTLY.
So wherever you are at, I beg you, accept the love and grace of Christ. Let Him abundantly bless you, because it will change your heart, your mind and your life.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."
Psalm 73:25-28
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
Ephesians 3:20-2
