So, for the past week or so, I have finally realized how much fear is actually in my life, and how I have just pushed it deep down into my soul, until it arises. and when it does, it's not good.
I have now realized this...and it needs to be let go of!
I have realized, that I have a fear (that has been with me since the beginning) of making a mistake, of messing up, of ruining things. I somehow expect myself to be perfect. Which of course, is never going to happen. But I just assume that if I mess up, I have ruined my whole life, and just everything and that God is ticked at me. I am waaaay to hard on myself.
But i know that nobody except my Jesus is perfect! and I know that because of Jesus, i can be perfect, with my imperfections through righteousness. (if that makes sense) :)
I just need to let this fear go! and let this fear let go of me.
I always thought that we held on to these things, which I believe we do. But i am also believing that these fears, and these strongholds, hold onto us as well. But simply, because we let them. So i guess ultimately it is becasue of us.....
I also have a fear of....which is so silly....that for some reason, God will not let me do what my heart desires to do in this lifetime. That somehow, I won't get to be in ministry and will have to work a normal job my whole life...which makes me want to do not nice things at the thought of that.
But i KNOW that those desires and passions in my heart, came from God himself! and i KNOW that God, would never not give me the desires of my heart, especially when they are there to glorify Him. His love, and His character would never allow Him to spite me, and be like "you don't deserve this, therefore you are working a normal job for the rest of your life..."
though it may seem like it at times, and i know that that is in fact, what i deserve, and what I feel i deserve for myself.
I know that God is bigger than that. I know that His love, does give us the desires of our hearts. David says that in Psalms! :) So why do I let this fear take over me at times?! WHY?!?!?! i wanna know! because it drives me nuts.
I trust in God with my future! I am excited for my future, because God has such huge plans for me! and I cannot wait! it makes my heart skip just thinking about it!
im not a very patient person...a year waiting has been long enough for me...lol but i feel the time coming! and i know it is coming! :)
God is good!
so i guess...let go. let go of those fears that hold you back. those fears, that every now and then, spring up inside of you even if you didnt realize they were there. deal with them. rebuke them. know that God is bigger and stronger. Know the word, His truth, so that you don't fall into the temptation to falter, because of a silly fear!
God's love, is one this world does not know. We need to remember that. and hold onto that. though we are sinners, and undeserving of anything good, God's love longs to give us life and good! Absolutely amazing!
I love God. He loves me.
My life will forever be amazing. No matter what.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Emotions Suck
Emotions....are crazy.
It's amazing how you can go from feeling such exuberant excitement, then 5 min later, be raging mad.....
It's amazing how emotions can make you blind to things, and makes you say things that completely contradict everything that just came out of your mouth...
It's amazing how we let them control us so incredible much....
It's just amazing....and not all emotions are bad. there are good ones.
we just don't know how to use them sometimes.
on a brighter note!
I GET TO GO TO NORTHERN IRELAND AGAIN! AND SO DOES TINA!
we are goin back!! for a MONTH!!!!!!!!!! i am beyond excited!
God is providing so much right now, its ridiculous. amongst the stressfulness....God is so good! He is powerful, and i strongly believe in His power because of what He has done in my life, and in the lives of the people around me! I love it!
(If only everyone paid attention to that, and lived that out)
I think goin back to NI will help me a whole lot. will be nice to get away. and sooo nice to see my girls again and my peeps. I am so excited. I miss them all so much. and it will be nice for them to see me and me see them. because last time i was there, i was not in a good place at all. so I think they need to see how well I am. that I am okay. and just how good God has been, and is. and for them to know it had absolutely nothing to do with them.
and for me to know, that its okay to make mistakes. and to go back to where that big mistake was made. and to let it go. and let it let me go. and realise i can move on. and to actually move on. and to know God is so much bigger. because He is.
so I'm real excited. will be a great spiritual, and just relaxing time. so excited!
ugh. yay. thank you so much Jesus! you love me. thank you for showing me that. now may I show you my love for you!
It's amazing how you can go from feeling such exuberant excitement, then 5 min later, be raging mad.....
It's amazing how emotions can make you blind to things, and makes you say things that completely contradict everything that just came out of your mouth...
It's amazing how we let them control us so incredible much....
It's just amazing....and not all emotions are bad. there are good ones.
we just don't know how to use them sometimes.
on a brighter note!
I GET TO GO TO NORTHERN IRELAND AGAIN! AND SO DOES TINA!
we are goin back!! for a MONTH!!!!!!!!!! i am beyond excited!
God is providing so much right now, its ridiculous. amongst the stressfulness....God is so good! He is powerful, and i strongly believe in His power because of what He has done in my life, and in the lives of the people around me! I love it!
(If only everyone paid attention to that, and lived that out)
I think goin back to NI will help me a whole lot. will be nice to get away. and sooo nice to see my girls again and my peeps. I am so excited. I miss them all so much. and it will be nice for them to see me and me see them. because last time i was there, i was not in a good place at all. so I think they need to see how well I am. that I am okay. and just how good God has been, and is. and for them to know it had absolutely nothing to do with them.
and for me to know, that its okay to make mistakes. and to go back to where that big mistake was made. and to let it go. and let it let me go. and realise i can move on. and to actually move on. and to know God is so much bigger. because He is.
so I'm real excited. will be a great spiritual, and just relaxing time. so excited!
ugh. yay. thank you so much Jesus! you love me. thank you for showing me that. now may I show you my love for you!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Getting Through The Past
I can't help but live in the past sometimes. I have made some mistakes, i have been forgiven of them. I just can't forget them.
One big one that ruined my life basically. And now I am faced with it everytime I want/need to make a decision. It scares me. It numbs me.
My mind has become so full of well if i do this, if i don't do this...that in the midst of all the thoughts of how to make a decision, I can't hear God. The mind drives me nuts sometimes. I wish it could stop. But the mind is such a complex thing, and created by God, that it never will. We just need to learn how to live with it, and how to control it. I am getting there!
But back to getting throug the past. I need to forgive, and to forget. I need to break through this barrier of the fear of messing up by making a wrong decision. We all mess up. It's going to happen. I'm never going to be perfect. I just need to stay calm, and trust in God to let me know the right way.
But even that becomes hard. As I do not trust myself to hear God because of this one mistake. Because I get so caught up in what I want to do, and what my mind is telling me, the pros and the cons, that I don't hear God. So I don't trust myself to make a decision unless I truly know this is what God is telling me to do. Rather than just to do something, until a door closes. I am way to careful about this.
I guess what I am saying is, I need to overcome the past mistakes. I need to learn to trust myself. To trust God, to let me know what the right thing to do is. To be obedient, and to strip all of my selfishness to fulfill God's purpose in my life. And if I mess up, I mess up. I have a forgiving and merciful Father. I just need to forgive and show grace to myself. Which is hard. But I have to. Jesus does, so therefore I need to. To gain freedom and to overcome this barrier and get rid of this bonded fear that just won't let go of me. Just trust.
Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5
One big one that ruined my life basically. And now I am faced with it everytime I want/need to make a decision. It scares me. It numbs me.
My mind has become so full of well if i do this, if i don't do this...that in the midst of all the thoughts of how to make a decision, I can't hear God. The mind drives me nuts sometimes. I wish it could stop. But the mind is such a complex thing, and created by God, that it never will. We just need to learn how to live with it, and how to control it. I am getting there!
But back to getting throug the past. I need to forgive, and to forget. I need to break through this barrier of the fear of messing up by making a wrong decision. We all mess up. It's going to happen. I'm never going to be perfect. I just need to stay calm, and trust in God to let me know the right way.
But even that becomes hard. As I do not trust myself to hear God because of this one mistake. Because I get so caught up in what I want to do, and what my mind is telling me, the pros and the cons, that I don't hear God. So I don't trust myself to make a decision unless I truly know this is what God is telling me to do. Rather than just to do something, until a door closes. I am way to careful about this.
I guess what I am saying is, I need to overcome the past mistakes. I need to learn to trust myself. To trust God, to let me know what the right thing to do is. To be obedient, and to strip all of my selfishness to fulfill God's purpose in my life. And if I mess up, I mess up. I have a forgiving and merciful Father. I just need to forgive and show grace to myself. Which is hard. But I have to. Jesus does, so therefore I need to. To gain freedom and to overcome this barrier and get rid of this bonded fear that just won't let go of me. Just trust.
Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)