Oh life....

We are afraid to be vulnerable with others. I am one of those people. I can be a bit hypocritical at time actually in this. I tell people I am an open book, just ask, but when it comes down to it, whenever asked about the present....very few people get the whole story. And admittedly, this entry is not the whole story, nor do I think that it needs to be. Many people don't need to know my deepest darkest secrets. But there still is a lot of vulnerability in this entry, and the reason being, that this is what The Lord laid on my heart to share. So I encourage you, to not be afraid to be vulnerable. Probably not everything... For there is a lot to learn in being vulnerable...but be real. Be honest. Some people may need to hear what you have to say.

So with that preface....

Emotions tend to make life difficult. Hormones tend to make life difficult. Sin tends to make life difficult. 

   

So when you put all these in one...what do you get?

      Human beings. You. Me. Us.

I don't believe that emotions are bad, they let us know that we are alive, that there is something going on inside of us. Hormones...( yup...) Sin...is never a good thing.

This weekend for me was a very emotional weekend. A lot of insecurity, a lot of past lies resurfacing, a lot of complete selfishness in my thinking and actions, some hurt and a lot of frustration and discontent with God and with myself. I was so affected, it affected how I worshipped (or lack there of), how I spent time with God, my attitude...everything.

   Needless to say, I'm thankful for a new week. Thankful for a day to just be with the LORD alone. To ask forgiveness, to worship, to read, to allow the grace and love and forgiveness of God to wash over me.

     

My point(s) in sharing this with you, is that I don't have it all together. I have my major weaknesses, things that at times Satan just pounds me with. I don't always have the best attitude. I'm very selfish. I'm very emotional. I'm not always all about Jesus or always feel madly in love with Him. Majority of times I have no clue what to do with what is going on in my heart and mind. I've no clue usually how to express the love I have, and that is actually quite painful. I do get hurt, and my heart is actually quite soft. I'm figuring this whole life thing out too. 

      I'm just like you. We are all just like you. 

In high school I used to feel like I wasn't going to have a normal life....and to most Americans, my life isn't normal with working in a church and working in a ministry where we disciple full time. It's my dream job. But this life is normal. In the kingdom of God, this is what we are supposed to be doing. Ministry. Whether we are vocational or we are tent makers and work. The only thing that makes me unique or special is the blood of Jesus Christ and His righteousness. 

And my main point in admidst all of these unexpected words...is that we all have emotions and hormones. Male and female. And although they may not be bad (I actually believe emotions are a great thing), it's how we respond to these emotions and hormones that can cause us to sin. And like we must learn with the sin in our lives to submit to the authority of Jesus Christ, so we must do with our emotions and hormones. Our feelings should never be greater than Jesus. And that is what I allowed this weekend. And for that, I ask for forgiveness. 

We must learn to submit, and though we may feel something, to not make it greater than Jesus in our lives and whatever thoughts come from those feelings, to take those thoughts captive, and make them obedient to Christ. So that He may be honored. 

"So as to walk in a manner worthy of The Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." Colossians 1:10

A new heart

 

The older I am getting, the more emotional I am becoming. And the more emotional I become, the deeper I am loving.

I never knew that my heart was capable of feeling the emotions it feels. I never knew I was capable of feeling such love towards people I barely know. I never knew I could be so proud of individuals and a group of people. I never knew that I would ever be able to feel the love I do towards people like I do now and this is only the beginning I feel.
  It seems as though words can’t even do justice the amount of love I feel in my heart. It almost hurts at times.
  And I KNOW that this love, comes from Christ. it is just a glimpse of the love He has for me. For us, His bride. It is a love that would cause someone to completely empty themselves for the sake of others. I want this love to continue to grow to that point. It is the kind of love that desires to serve another, no matter what the service may be. It is the kind of love that see’s beyond the surface….

I enjoy getting older. Im glad that Ive experienced much turmoil these past 2 years, because it has only grown my emotions to a deeper level of love, understanding, grace… and to connect better. I still have a lot of growing to do. There are more attacks than ever before with these deeper emotions but if they cause me to be more like Christ and help me to grow more in love, I’m all in, because loving people, is seriously one of the greatest blessings of Christ.

God is good. God can and will do what may seem impossible. Your greatest fear, is what He has already overcome. and He transforms us. He’s transformed me. He’s taken a girl who used to hate people and love spending time by herself hours a day, to a girl who doesn’t even know how to react to all the love she feels for those in her life and looks forward to times spent with people and would rather be with people than alone.
     This all is new to me. This all is so odd to me. And I love it.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26