Response

Tonight I was looking at Tenth Avenue North's website because I bought their cd last weekend, and it is amazing (go check it out) and one of the bandmates wrote a blog today. and in it...he said this...
"To be a Christian to to live a life of response."

the last week or so, I have been questioning myself on if my life speaks God, speaks Jesus, speaks truth, and if I DO what I know I am called to do, if I DO what Jesus did, if I DO whatever the Holy Spirit urges me to, to say.....
because sometimes, okay a lot of times, i don't do a great job.
For those of you who really know me, I'm not the type of person who finds it easy to express my feelings to people, to confront people, to show my love/emotions to people in front of them. its just hard for me. but a lot easier than it used to be.
but i feel called and have a desire to encourage people. i have a desire to have Jesus shining through my life so that people can see I am different.
I just want Jesus to shine in my life.

and i guess I sometimes fear that I am not shining, that I am not acting on what God is teaching me and showing me. and sometimes I respond too late...i always think of things to do or say AFTER the situation is passed...but i just gotta learn to make God even more a part of my day, even more a part of my mind and my thoughts! just have to trust that in that present time, what happened is what God allowed and still made a different positively somehow.
It is still a reponse. I just want my reponse to be right, to be full of God and glorifying God.


But i know that God is forever shining! and I thank Him for that! and I also think that if God is really speaking to you strongly, and you feel really passioniate about something, you can't help but act on it.
So i guess now my prayer is that God just births more passion into my life each day! so that I can act more, and be more obedient, and Shine. and glorify God. So that's God's glory can be known!

I love what he said in that quote because it is so true. It is all a response. A response to what Jesus did on the cross. A response to God's love. A response to choices. A response to love other people, to know what love truly is because of God. A response to act. To allow change, and to respond what God is telling you, what is going on in your life...a response to be obedient....a response on how to live your life because of the Wonder who created you!!

so our life is a response. a response to God and Him in our lives ultimately.

I guess the whole point of this is...I want my life to be a response to God. to make a difference. to Shine for Him. for Him to Shine through all things.

The Click

Northern Ireland:
My second home. I adore this place. But even more, I adore the people from this place. The people I have created relationships with. old and new.
my good friend brought up to me the other night, that no matter how long you go from seeing people or even talking to people, you know you have a great friendship if you can be away for so long and pick up right where you left off with life going on in between.
God has completely blessed me with the most amazing relationships. here and at home. and i know that he will continue too. and i am excited.
it really saddens me to leave them all again. and i am determined to keep in touch better...becasue keeping in touch is not my strong point at all. so i need to work on that! i want to work on that!

but one thing ive realized...this trip has helped me realize. is that i didnt necessarily need to come back to be healed from what happened to me and what i went through. jesus has already set me free! i was already living in that freedom and healing! coming here wasnt even really for me at all. but for other people. i realized (and this may sound a bit conceited...) that life went on for these kids without me. they grew up, God protected them and strengthened them. and it is incredible! God looks after your work. and blessed the relationships!! so encouraging.

i jsut cant thank God enough or even say enough how much i adore these relationships. every single one of them. they mean so much to me. and have brought me so much life.


one thing that God has kinda put on my heart. is all about the holy spirit. within the last few months. really been realizing the holy spirit is there. and just longing for more of him to be alive in me. surrender and sacrifice to living in the spirit and in relationship with jesus and in reverence to God is a daily thing. i just want to grow and grow.
to not have any expectations of my life. to not have plans...because by me having plans for my life...is putting God's plans out of the picture. which God's plans are much better than mine ever could be and He is the creator so I kinda want Him in control of my life!!
i just wanna grow. and be and live in relationship with God and the trinity and to just go day by day and surrender daily.

we are constantly impacting people.
i want to be an encourager. i realized the other night that maybe a part of God's calling on my life is to encourage ppl. to disciple people and to stretch and push them. to help them be who God wants them to be. to help them share what God has laid on their heart with others. i love being that person. i feel empowered by it.
and ive finally realized...i mean...ive known this for a while..cuz God keeps hinting at it...but ive just never really accepted it because I don't really want it...but i know God is calling me into some kind of leadership. which scares me. because I don't see myself as a leader...i dont want to be known as a leader...ive always seen myself as a follower. and i always will be some kind of follower. but God always seems to do somethin in my life to where I have to lead something...or take charge. and a lot of times...i try to hide from it. which doesnt work very well.
and tonight...i just let it go. If God wants me to be in leadership, I will be in leadership. Ive come to terms that i just may need to. and i do enjoy it to an extent! so we will see what God does with my life and where He leads it!


so this has just been kinda randomness...but its all whats on my heart. my heart is overflowing. and my mind is so full of thoughts!! like always. but this is good stuff!! i dont even know what all to write cuz there is so much!

i love conversations. especially focused on God. my life needs to be more focused on God. i want to be consumed by Him! to naturally be controlled and thinking of His ways!!

Feels So Good

So here I am back in the office where I would come to 4 days out of a week.
Brings back memories. :) Good and bad!
but I focus on the good.
It feels just like i have never left. I feel peaceful and just great. I love these people with all my heart. People have changed, the places have changed a bit. People grow up! Its a part of life. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Growing up is great! A good thing! Especially with younger people.
:)

Peacefulness is my feeling for this month I think.
Been reading a bunch of the Psalms this last wee while. So amazing. Just how God is our rock, He is our Salvation. Under His fortress we will never move and will never be shattered!!
I love it. I love Jesus!

Was talking to Jude last week after Tina and I spoke at YF just about the past year and all. and my relationship with God.
With how before it was more of just a relationship. where now, it is in the midst of turning into not just a relationship, but more spiritual. more than it ever has been or was before.
and i had never thought about that. but it is so true. and I cannot wiat for this spiritual bit of our relatinoship to continue to grow! More God. More Jesus. More Holy Spirit!
yay!

Traveling Back In Time to Move Forward

So tomorrow afternoon I leave to go back to NIreland! The land that i love. My second family/home.
I'm excited, nervous, scared, relieved, excited...lol

I'm expecting a lot out of this trip. I am expecting to truly come to peace with myself and what has happened in my life and what I have been through the last couple years. I am expecting to hear from God like never before and to gain in wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and contentment, love, and confidence. in who i am. and in who God is.

I expect a lot. I am excited for a lot. I am excited to see everyone again. To be honest, i am nervous that things will be a bit weird, but they will only be that way if i make them. and i sure am not going to.
I am nervous for flying..flying and airports just always make me uneasy and nervous that something is going to go wrong...so please pray about that!

also please pray that the whole month and trip will be an inspiration. and a time for God to really reveal himself to me, and to tina, and to for it to be a blessing.
that the people, the country, will be a blessing and we as well will be a blessing.

oh i cant wait! there is just so much emotion and so many different feelings in me right now! its kinda crazy! i dunno how to describe it or put into words.
But, i just know this is going to be an amazing trip. and i keep praying that it will be more than i even expect!


May God Shine.

Forigving and Forgetting

Chapter 19 He Forgot
From "God Came Near' by Max Lucado

I was thanking the Father today for his mercy. I began listing the sins he'd forgiven. One by one I thanked God for forgiving my stumbles and tumbles. My motives were pure and my heart was thankful, but my understanding of God was wrong. It was when I used the word remember that it hit me.
"Remember the time I...." I was about to thank God for another act of mercy. But i stopped. Something was wrong. The word remember seemed displaced. It was an off-key note in a sonata, a misspelled word in a poem. It was a baseball game in December. It didn't fit. "Deso he remember?"
Then I remembered his words. "And i will remember their sins no more."
Wow! Now, that is a remarkable phrase!
God doesn't just forgive, he forgets. He erases the board. He destroys the evidence. He burns the microfilm. He clears the computer.
He doesn't remember my mistakes. For all the things he does do, this is one thing he refuses to do. He refuses to keep a list of my wrongs. When I ask for forigveness he doesn't pull out a clipboard and say "But I've already forgiven him for that five hundred and sixteen times."
He doesn't remember.
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." "I will be merciful toward their iniquities." "Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool."

No, he doesn't remember. But i do, you do. You still remember. You're like me. You still remember what you did before you changed. In the cellar of your heart lurk the ghosts of yesterday's sins. Sins you've confessed; errors of which you've repented; damage you've done your best to repair.
And though you're a different person, the ghosts still linger. Thou you've locked the basement door, they still haunt you. They float to meet you, spooking your soul and robbing your joy. With wordless whispers they remind you of moments when you forgot whose child you were.
That horrid lie.
That business trip you took away from home, that took you so far away from home.
The time you exploded in anger.
Those years spent in the hollow of Satan's hand.
That day you were needed, but didn't respond.
That date.
That jealousy.
That habit.
Poltergeists from yesterdays pitfalls. Spiteful specters that slyly sugges, 'Are you really forgiven? Sure, God forgets most of our mistakes, but do you think he oculd actually forget the time you..."
As a result, your spiritual walk has a slight limp. Oh, you're still faithful. You still do all the right things and say all the right words. But just when you begin to make strides, just when your wings begin to spread and you prepare to soar like an eagle, the ghost appears. It emerges from the swamps of your soul and causes you to question yourself.
"You can't teach a bible class with your background."
"You, a missionary?"
"How dare you ask him to come to church. What if he finds out about the time you fell away?"
"Who are YOU to offer help?"
The ghost spews wapish words of accusation, defeaning your ears to the promises of the cross. And it flaunts your failures in your face, blocking your vision of the Son and leaving you the shadow of a doubt.
Now, honestly. Do you think God sent that ghost? Do you think God is the voice that reminds you of the putridness of your past? Do you think God was teasing when he said "I will remember your sins no more!?" Was he exaggerating when he said he woulkd cast our sins as fara s the east is from the west? Do you actually believe he would make a statment like "I will not hold their iniquities against them" and then rub our noses in them whenever we ask for help?

Of course you don't. You and I just need an occasional reminder of God's nature, his forgetful nature.
To love conditionally is against God's nature. Just as it's against your nature to eat trees and against mine to grow wings, it's against God's nature to remember forgiven sins.
You see, God is either the God of perfect grace...or he is not God. Grace forgets. Period. He who is perfect love cannot hold grudges. If he does, then he isn't perfect love. And if he isn't perfect love, you might as well put this book down and go fishing because both of us are chasing fairy tales.
But i believe in his loving forgetfulness. and i believe he has a graciously terrible memory.
Think about this. If he didn't forget, how could we pray? How could we sing to him? Giw ciykd we dare enter into his presence if the moment he saw us he remembered all our pitiful past? How could we enter his throne room wearing the rags of our selfishness and gluttony? We couldn't.
And we don't. read this powerful passage from Paul's letter to the Galations and watch your pulse rate. You're in for a thrill. "For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have PUT ON Christ."
You read it right. We have "put on' Christ. When God looks at us he doesn't see us; he sees Christ. We "wear" him. We are hidden in him; we are covered by him. As the song says, "Dressed in his righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne."
Presumptuous, you say? Sacriligious? It would be if it were my idea. But it isn't; it's his. We are presumptuous not when we marvel at his grace, but when we reject it. And we're sacrilegious not when we claim his forgiveness, but when we allow the haunting sins of yesterday to convince us that God forgives but he doesn't forget.
Do yourself a favor. Purge your cellar. Exorcise your basement. Take the ROman nails of Calvary and board up the door. And remember....he forgot.




I just wanted to share that chapter with you. Because forgiving is hard. Forgetting is even harder. Forgetting our sins, Forgetting what others have done to us, what we have done to others. But if we forgive, we have to forget. They go together. You can't hold grudges, or things against ppl, or even agaisnt yourself. Because God doesn't. It's not glorifying Jesus by not forgiving yourself or others and letting those things go. It's telling Him His grace is not enough.
I've been there. It sucks. But for freedom and life, we have to forgive. We have to forget. and we HAVE to live in Christ's grace. He longs for us too.

Letting Go

So, for the past week or so, I have finally realized how much fear is actually in my life, and how I have just pushed it deep down into my soul, until it arises. and when it does, it's not good.
I have now realized this...and it needs to be let go of!

I have realized, that I have a fear (that has been with me since the beginning) of making a mistake, of messing up, of ruining things. I somehow expect myself to be perfect. Which of course, is never going to happen. But I just assume that if I mess up, I have ruined my whole life, and just everything and that God is ticked at me. I am waaaay to hard on myself.
But i know that nobody except my Jesus is perfect! and I know that because of Jesus, i can be perfect, with my imperfections through righteousness. (if that makes sense) :)
I just need to let this fear go! and let this fear let go of me.

I always thought that we held on to these things, which I believe we do. But i am also believing that these fears, and these strongholds, hold onto us as well. But simply, because we let them. So i guess ultimately it is becasue of us.....


I also have a fear of....which is so silly....that for some reason, God will not let me do what my heart desires to do in this lifetime. That somehow, I won't get to be in ministry and will have to work a normal job my whole life...which makes me want to do not nice things at the thought of that.
But i KNOW that those desires and passions in my heart, came from God himself! and i KNOW that God, would never not give me the desires of my heart, especially when they are there to glorify Him. His love, and His character would never allow Him to spite me, and be like "you don't deserve this, therefore you are working a normal job for the rest of your life..."
though it may seem like it at times, and i know that that is in fact, what i deserve, and what I feel i deserve for myself.
I know that God is bigger than that. I know that His love, does give us the desires of our hearts. David says that in Psalms! :) So why do I let this fear take over me at times?! WHY?!?!?! i wanna know! because it drives me nuts.
I trust in God with my future! I am excited for my future, because God has such huge plans for me! and I cannot wait! it makes my heart skip just thinking about it!
im not a very patient person...a year waiting has been long enough for me...lol but i feel the time coming! and i know it is coming! :)
God is good!

so i guess...let go. let go of those fears that hold you back. those fears, that every now and then, spring up inside of you even if you didnt realize they were there. deal with them. rebuke them. know that God is bigger and stronger. Know the word, His truth, so that you don't fall into the temptation to falter, because of a silly fear!

God's love, is one this world does not know. We need to remember that. and hold onto that. though we are sinners, and undeserving of anything good, God's love longs to give us life and good! Absolutely amazing!
I love God. He loves me.
My life will forever be amazing. No matter what.

Emotions Suck

Emotions....are crazy.

It's amazing how you can go from feeling such exuberant excitement, then 5 min later, be raging mad.....
It's amazing how emotions can make you blind to things, and makes you say things that completely contradict everything that just came out of your mouth...
It's amazing how we let them control us so incredible much....

It's just amazing....and not all emotions are bad. there are good ones.
we just don't know how to use them sometimes.


on a brighter note!
I GET TO GO TO NORTHERN IRELAND AGAIN! AND SO DOES TINA!
we are goin back!! for a MONTH!!!!!!!!!! i am beyond excited!
God is providing so much right now, its ridiculous. amongst the stressfulness....God is so good! He is powerful, and i strongly believe in His power because of what He has done in my life, and in the lives of the people around me! I love it!
(If only everyone paid attention to that, and lived that out)

I think goin back to NI will help me a whole lot. will be nice to get away. and sooo nice to see my girls again and my peeps. I am so excited. I miss them all so much. and it will be nice for them to see me and me see them. because last time i was there, i was not in a good place at all. so I think they need to see how well I am. that I am okay. and just how good God has been, and is. and for them to know it had absolutely nothing to do with them.
and for me to know, that its okay to make mistakes. and to go back to where that big mistake was made. and to let it go. and let it let me go. and realise i can move on. and to actually move on. and to know God is so much bigger. because He is.
so I'm real excited. will be a great spiritual, and just relaxing time. so excited!
ugh. yay. thank you so much Jesus! you love me. thank you for showing me that. now may I show you my love for you!