Trusting God is a battle

 

Recently, I have found myself asking the question…
   “Do I really trust God?”

I’m finding that recently more and more I think about my future… and with that, I’m seeing the lack of trust I have, and that is just not cool.

I get too caught up in wondering if I will get married…and with that thought process…what if getting married will take me away from Off The Wall? take me away from the life I love and feel called to. Will I have kids? How much will it affect how I do ministry? Do I really want those things then?
…or,
Well, what if I don’t get married? Will I still be able somehow to have kids?
Will I ever have enough money to survive comfortably?

….and so the questions can go on and on and the scenarios can continue to be played out in my mind.

And amidst all of those questions, and thoughts, I’m just trying to play out what my life will look like. I’m just trying to play god. To maintain control of what direction I take and where God leads my life. When really, I have zero control over any of the things I so often find myself wondering about.

When really, all I need to do is just trust God. I’ve actually fallen asleep, with tears in my eyes, repeating the words “I trust You God” recently. I need that reminder, that deep down, I do trust Him. Because reality is, it is really hard to trust God at times.

But why?! I have no reason not to trust Him. He has never failed me, and His Word says He never will. He is always faithful. And He has blessed me so much with a life full of my dreams and desires, so why would I think that He would want to take all of that away just to take it away.
I fully believe that He is Good.

Yet the sin inside of me, my depraved nature, tells me otherwise. It tries to trip me up. And a lot of times, it doesn’t just try, but it succeeds. And that’s when I realize that I haven’t been trusting my Creator, my Father. And that’s when I repent, and ask for forgiveness.

Because I do trust Him.

 

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Philippians 4:6-8