Oh life....

We are afraid to be vulnerable with others. I am one of those people. I can be a bit hypocritical at time actually in this. I tell people I am an open book, just ask, but when it comes down to it, whenever asked about the present....very few people get the whole story. And admittedly, this entry is not the whole story, nor do I think that it needs to be. Many people don't need to know my deepest darkest secrets. But there still is a lot of vulnerability in this entry, and the reason being, that this is what The Lord laid on my heart to share. So I encourage you, to not be afraid to be vulnerable. Probably not everything... For there is a lot to learn in being vulnerable...but be real. Be honest. Some people may need to hear what you have to say.

So with that preface....

Emotions tend to make life difficult. Hormones tend to make life difficult. Sin tends to make life difficult. 

   

So when you put all these in one...what do you get?

      Human beings. You. Me. Us.

I don't believe that emotions are bad, they let us know that we are alive, that there is something going on inside of us. Hormones...( yup...) Sin...is never a good thing.

This weekend for me was a very emotional weekend. A lot of insecurity, a lot of past lies resurfacing, a lot of complete selfishness in my thinking and actions, some hurt and a lot of frustration and discontent with God and with myself. I was so affected, it affected how I worshipped (or lack there of), how I spent time with God, my attitude...everything.

   Needless to say, I'm thankful for a new week. Thankful for a day to just be with the LORD alone. To ask forgiveness, to worship, to read, to allow the grace and love and forgiveness of God to wash over me.

     

My point(s) in sharing this with you, is that I don't have it all together. I have my major weaknesses, things that at times Satan just pounds me with. I don't always have the best attitude. I'm very selfish. I'm very emotional. I'm not always all about Jesus or always feel madly in love with Him. Majority of times I have no clue what to do with what is going on in my heart and mind. I've no clue usually how to express the love I have, and that is actually quite painful. I do get hurt, and my heart is actually quite soft. I'm figuring this whole life thing out too. 

      I'm just like you. We are all just like you. 

In high school I used to feel like I wasn't going to have a normal life....and to most Americans, my life isn't normal with working in a church and working in a ministry where we disciple full time. It's my dream job. But this life is normal. In the kingdom of God, this is what we are supposed to be doing. Ministry. Whether we are vocational or we are tent makers and work. The only thing that makes me unique or special is the blood of Jesus Christ and His righteousness. 

And my main point in admidst all of these unexpected words...is that we all have emotions and hormones. Male and female. And although they may not be bad (I actually believe emotions are a great thing), it's how we respond to these emotions and hormones that can cause us to sin. And like we must learn with the sin in our lives to submit to the authority of Jesus Christ, so we must do with our emotions and hormones. Our feelings should never be greater than Jesus. And that is what I allowed this weekend. And for that, I ask for forgiveness. 

We must learn to submit, and though we may feel something, to not make it greater than Jesus in our lives and whatever thoughts come from those feelings, to take those thoughts captive, and make them obedient to Christ. So that He may be honored. 

"So as to walk in a manner worthy of The Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." Colossians 1:10

A new heart

 

The older I am getting, the more emotional I am becoming. And the more emotional I become, the deeper I am loving.

I never knew that my heart was capable of feeling the emotions it feels. I never knew I was capable of feeling such love towards people I barely know. I never knew I could be so proud of individuals and a group of people. I never knew that I would ever be able to feel the love I do towards people like I do now and this is only the beginning I feel.
  It seems as though words can’t even do justice the amount of love I feel in my heart. It almost hurts at times.
  And I KNOW that this love, comes from Christ. it is just a glimpse of the love He has for me. For us, His bride. It is a love that would cause someone to completely empty themselves for the sake of others. I want this love to continue to grow to that point. It is the kind of love that desires to serve another, no matter what the service may be. It is the kind of love that see’s beyond the surface….

I enjoy getting older. Im glad that Ive experienced much turmoil these past 2 years, because it has only grown my emotions to a deeper level of love, understanding, grace… and to connect better. I still have a lot of growing to do. There are more attacks than ever before with these deeper emotions but if they cause me to be more like Christ and help me to grow more in love, I’m all in, because loving people, is seriously one of the greatest blessings of Christ.

God is good. God can and will do what may seem impossible. Your greatest fear, is what He has already overcome. and He transforms us. He’s transformed me. He’s taken a girl who used to hate people and love spending time by herself hours a day, to a girl who doesn’t even know how to react to all the love she feels for those in her life and looks forward to times spent with people and would rather be with people than alone.
     This all is new to me. This all is so odd to me. And I love it.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

What do you want?!

Tonight I spent an hour praying for our local YoungLife ministry. And I couldn't help but notice in some of the more specific prayer requests for individuals that a lot of them wanted to spend more time with Christ. This made me think that a lot of times, this is a very popular request among believers. 

Then I thought of how often you hear the phrase, 'you make time for what you want...'

   And I do believe that that is true. I think of all the high school boys (and even grown boys!) who will spend hours a day, or stay up all night sometimes just playing video games. Or people like me who love television and will stay up until 2 am no matter how tired you are to watch a favorite tv show! Or we make time to hang out with friends...etc...but how often do we ourselves MAKE time to spend with Christ?! 

Are we willing to sacrifice a few minutes of sleep to spend time with Him? Are we willing to sacrifice one episode a day? Are we willing to sacrifice meeting up w a friend to spend time w Jesus?...the list could go on. 

Don't get me wrongs, none of these things are wrong. I just find it interesting that what seems to be the most common prayer request is to spend more time with Christ...

And my thought is.....maybe the prayer request shouldn't be to spend more time with Christ but instead, to, WANT Christ more. To long for Him. To desire Him above anything else in our lives that can distract us from Him. To want Him so much, that it moves us to action. 

So I ask, what do you want? 

God's blessings in endurance

This morning I wasn't really motivated to get out of bed. The only thing that seemed to really excite me was the idea of eating breakfast! But as I lay there, I started to think about all the things that have been heavy on my heart and mind this week and I started to worry a bit. So, for like the 2nd time this summer I got up and decided to go on a long walk without my music and just talk to God. Walking has been rather difficult for me this summer because I fell and hurt my foot/ankle at the beginning of the summer and I also get really bad shin splints so those 2 things have held me back a lot, but I asked God to bless this walk and He did!

  My walk was really refreshing, in many aspects. And towards the end I started thinking of this...

There were many blessings on my walk. One being the prayer time and just conversation with my LORD, saying hello to people on the street, my legs not killing me!, my best friend shouting at me through their window, baby animals....

  I took a route that if I wanted to, I could have taken so many different short cuts to make the walk a lot shorter than it was. And if i didnt make the decision to just keep walking, I would have missed out on quite a few of those blessings. And I think we can easily apply that to our spiritual lives. 

When we are walking with Jesus sometimes life becomes hard and we want to take the easy road, the shortcut. We just can't seem to have enough perseverance or endurance, or fear and worry start to overwhelm us of even hurt and pain...etc. When we allow ourselves to not endure, or to be hindered we miss out on blessings from God, when we take those shortcuts, when we don't endure the whole way. The endurance through the difficulty and the pain and discontentment reap blessings when we just persevere and keep our eyes on the prize (Jesus Christ) rather than our eyes on what is making us want to give up or slow down or take a shorter route (different road than intended just to be done quicker). 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary orfainthearted."    Hebrews 12-1-3

At The Foot Of The Cross

This summer God has been doing a major work in my heart. Dealing with some bitterness which has lead to forgiveness (which among the body of Christ is an extremely beautiful thing to be apart of, something I had missed out on for years), and dealing with conviction of motives and just seeing the ugliness of the sin of my flesh in a light that I had never seen before in my 25 years so far. (God is a God of new and of old!) This has been a very revealing summer for me, as well as a healing, redeeming and sanctifying summer. I am more than grateful to God for the many lessons and emotions and convictions and actions that have all taken place because I know they are all apart of making me more like Christ.
 Through all of this I have noticed that the Holy Spirit has just brought me to the foot of the Cross. The gospel and the act that Jesus did on the Cross mean more to my heart than they ever have before. And I am again, grateful for this. My love feels like its growing deeper, my appreciation feels deeper, my worship feels deeper...everything just feels deeper and more real to me when it comes to The Gospel, and the Cross.

Among all of this, I came across this poem in a book that I have been reading and I really wanted to share it with you, the readers, and my prayer is that it encourages you to WAIT on the LORD. In whatever season you are in, whatever answers you are waiting on, God is all that You need and He has a purpose and just go to the Cross, lean on Him, the one who knows Your heart and the one who longs to be with you more than anyone else on this earth ever could!

The poem is called "WAIT" by Russel Kelfer

  Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently  said,

"Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

"My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'No,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive

And, Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

'I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!'"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel

And His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

"All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want---

But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing  I'm there;

"You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee,'

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

"So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"

Time spent with God brings clarity

 

When I look back on this year there are lot of emotions. When I think of the overall thing God has been teaching me this year, through all the different struggles and emotions, I do believe it all comes down to one word:
HUMILITY.

Ive never considered myself a prideful person, but pride will effect every person in one way or another, at one stage or another! To be a disciple of Jesus Christ, one MUST learn to be humble. We need to learn that no matter what position we are in, or how much life we have lived and experience we have, we will never be know-it-alls. We always have room to grow, and room to learn. We will never stop learning, and even if we think we don’t have this attitude or these thoughts…..one day i believe we will all find out deep down pride was sitting there all along, and these thoughts have been imbedded somehow. We will continue to realize daily that we are not the one’s in control. We often are made to wait. We often are made to be uncomfortable. We often are made to be long-suffering….amongst many other things. And this is all for our own growth of character, and for a deeper dependence on Christ.

We must continually realize that God is greater than everything that is us, and everything that affects us. Our fears, our desires, our hearts, our thoughts, our failures, our mistakes, our past, our future, our emotions, our knowledge, our capacity to understand, our gifts and talents, our relationships, our sins…and life changes (there are a lot of those!)
We must learn to be humble in all of these things…and know that God is leading us through it all.
  The journey to humility may not be an easy or enjoyable one, but it is one that makes us more like Jesus and brings godliness to our character!

 

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:1-5

Lessons from David

 

This morning in my quiet time I was reading Psalm 42, and this is the psalm where David is questioning “why is my soul downcast within…”

It is a very sad psalm, and I’ve even heard people speak on it saying that the sadness mentioned in here, the “deep crying out to deep” is talking about depression. Whether this is true or not, I am not 100%, but I can definitely see where people get that from. So as i was reading, I started just journaling what thoughts came to head with this passage, and started thinking about depression.

Depression is such a common disease these days, almost anyone you speak to has either gone through depression, or is currently depressed. Some say they are clinically depressed and takes meds, and other’s don’t even know it and just live in that state of mind, and other’s get over it.

I have extremely strong opinions concerning depression, simply because I have dealt a lot with it, within myself and some people whom I care deeply about, but I am not going to get into that right now. What I want to get into, is talking about the Power of the Holy Spirit.

 

I encourage you to go and read Psalm 42 either before or after you read this. To see if you can gather, what I gathered.
I believe that David was probably depressed when he wrote this psalm, but I also think that he gives us an extremely great example of how to deal with depression, or sadness.

First, he is thirsty and panting for the living God. (v1)
If you are sad/depressed, and not thirsty for God to move and to be near you…check yourself.

Second, he remembers the better times, the times God used him and when he was walking in his call…(v4)
Its easy in times of sadness/depression to just think about all that your sad about, all the bad stuff in life and in yourself and even in other people. But the New Testament sooooo many times tells us to set our minds on things above (colossians 3), to look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith (hebrews)…numerous times in numerous ways.
We cannot turn our hearts and minds against God in these moments…we can choose what we remember and what we don’t remember ultimately. If we want to remember better times, we will. If we want to stay in the depressed state of mind that is not honoring to God, we do.

Thirdly, David HOPES in God. (v.5,11)
Hope is a feeling. it is also an incredible word, and an incredible feeling. It helps bring life, and helps us to look forward, instead of looking backward and inward. It forces us to look past what is going on, and to what can happen, deliverance, newness…
And this isnt a hope that is rooted in the people around you, or yourself, this is a hope that is rooted in God, who can work all things out for the good of those who love Him. (romans 8:28)

 

My opinion, is that the best remedy and advice for sadness and depression is to have these 3 things. A desire for God, to remember all that He has done and those better days, and lastly, to HOPE IN GOD.

The mind is a powerful thing, but the Bible tells to be of a sound-mind (2 tim 1:7), sober-minded (2 tim 4:5, 1 peter 1:13; 4:7; 5:8) and to take every thought captive and make it OBEDIENT to Christ(2 Corinthians 10:5). Therefore, we can…because we have the Holy spirit alive in us, enabling and working in us! )(John 14:26To say that you can’t take every thought captive, that you can’t be sober and sound minded, is to limit and belittle the power of God.
Which i’m pretty sure is a sin….it’s called unbelief…..

To end, all of this(hoping in God, taking every thought captive…), takes work. I think this is where a big problem is, especially in America…because we are an extremely lazy culture. (proverbs 13:4)Therefore, we for the most part, don’t want to do the work that its going to take us to be whole, to allow Christ’s power (Holy Spirit) to reign in us, because it’s hard.
Lazyness is a sin. and if you dont hate sin, and want to turn from it, you might want to make sure your saved.

Take sin seriously, take God seriously.

 

“…Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.”
Psalm 42:11