A piece of a testimony.

I used to struggle a lot with unworthiness. I knew and still know that I am completely unworthy of all Christ has done for me and has blessed me with, but I am now to a point where I can and do accept His gifts and blessings with joy! But it didn't used to be that way. At all. And I guess this past week, I have been reminded of that.

       

This may sound rather selfish and arrogant....but so far in my life, everything I have ever wanted, I have gotten. I've been called spoiled, which hurts, but I've come to realize, that this is how God honors and blesses me for my obedience and submission to Him. And just because He loves me. 

  Now, I don't just wish for it, and it's there. Not at all. It doesn't work like that. It's been extremely difficult, because of my own selfishness and not wanting to let go of my desires and dreams...but for everything that I have received, I have had to give it up. I had to surrender my dreams and desires before the LORD and truly let them go.....until I was okay and at peace without those things....or those people....until I was okay with just Jesus and content and dependent on Him. And then....I'm blown away, because like God provided a ram for Abraham as he was about ready to sacrifice his promised son, God has given back to me my dreams and made them all a reality. And honestly, this is what I am in the midst of going through right now.....is that in between stage. And it's difficult. But it only makes my faith stronger in that God will provide. He may not provide in the way I would exactly like Him to, but He will provide in a way that is even greater than I could have imagined, and I'm just waiting....and am rather excited!

       I am constantly in Awe that God works like this in my life, because I know I am completely unworthy, I have done nothing to deserve such love and honor and favor. But my Heavenly Father continues to lavish upon me His grace and love for my life. And this has only brought me to my knees, and has made me fall more in love with my Savior, and has given me an extremely grateful heart, that is constantly humbled before my LORD. It makes me want to serve Him more, because He treats me with such love and respect and care. 

My struggle with this at times....especially when I hear other peoples testimonies and when my heart is broken for other people....is that how can I be living in such favor and have God working like that in my life, when some people have never even experienced God in that way....it doesn't seem fair to me and it probably isn't. And it makes me want to not accept all the blessings from God because I want the others to have them instead, because I know I have hurt God deeply (I've felt a piece of it...), and I know I'm utterly unworthy....

But then I am reminded....that their stories, their hurt, their pain, is not over. And they can experience the God I know...who shows such favor and lavishes upon those who seek Him great love. They can make the choice now to surrender all their dreams and desires, and see God move in such reverent ways to where they receive back their dead (so to speak), and their dreams and experience life to the full. IN CHRIST. 

And that becomes my prayer. My fight for the ones God breaks my heart for. 

For we are all His. And if we seek Him, if we obey Him, if we surrender ourselves to Him....we will never have reason to doubt what He is capable to do in and through us. And we will experience His love and grace and blessings ABUNDANTLY. 

So wherever you are at, I beg you, accept the love and grace of Christ. Let Him abundantly bless you, because it will change your heart, your mind and your life. 

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

Psalm 73:25-28

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-2

Oh, the beauty of a heart.

The word heart is used 15 times in psalm 119 in th esv. 

I had asked people on Facebook for their favorite chapter in the Bible and a lady from church gave me psalm 119. So I started reading it yesterday, and I couldn't help but notice how the wor heart kept coming up. This psalm is all about keeping Gods word, and how important and beautiful it is to the writer. It's a beautiful psalm. But like I said, the word heart kept jumping out to me. Especially those verses and the ones around it.

I had this conversation with my roommate the other night...about how since August, I feel like God has been speaking to me, for myself and for other people, how we can trust out hearts....

   I know that the Bible tells me that there is none good, that we are sinful....and our hearts can lead us astray...but I also see in the bible that The Lord will give us the desires of our hearts...that our hearts CAN be for Christ and most importantly, that The Lord is greater than our hearts.

My opinion.....

   If we have given our heart to Christ, truly given it to Him....laying down our desires, laying down our selfishness....and continually give it to Him each an every day, why wouldn't we be able to trust our hearts? For they are no longer our own....but Christ's. If Christ truly has your heart, you know It...your heart breaks for other people, you love deeper, your transformed, your less selfish....to name a few. You may have to hand your heart over to Christ each morning, but you can rest assured that it is in His hands. Christ redeems. Christ, through His death has imputed his righteousness to us. He gives us a new heart when we allow Him to be LORD over our lives and our Savior.

You may disagree with me, and that is okay. I've been thinking about this and processing this for months. And still am. But I am fully confident that Christ has my heart. I believe I can trust my heart because it doesn't belong to me, but to Him and since August, I have seen that play out in my life. I'm more emotional than ever, but I love deeper, and as emotional as I am, they don't (for the most part...I am still a sinner!), control me. It's amazing to witness your emotions and your heart being in submission to Christ and not overtaking every part of your being. 

Confidence that your heart belongs to Christ and no one else, not even yourself, is extremely peaceful.

  And it's the best place for your heart. In the hand of your Redeemer.

I love hearts. They are bruised, they are worn, but they are beautiful. In the hands of God.

There is redemption.

Confession Time

Something you should know about me, is that I am extremely imperfect.

  That's why I write this post...

This morning, I woke up with a sadness in my heart...for a person that is going through a lot and I have no relationship with, and have no clue how to help them. There is history as well, and God just keeps laying them on my heart.

I fall down a few steps on the stairs...it's dark, I just woke up...I fell...made a loud noise, at 5:30am, woke my roommate up. And it hurt. 

It was really snowy this morning. The roads were pretty bad, I was sliding a lot. I slid into a field...went down a ditch, into a field. Got out to check my car, nearly fell about 3 times. Didn't have cell phone service. Couldn't call anyone. Decided to take things into my hands, and eventually made it out of the field over a mini hill.

I feel like poop.physically. My stomach is questionable, as is my throat, and my head hurts.

This makes me extremely emotional and sensitive. So anything can and will set me off.

Confession time....

    I want people to notice it's been a tough day. I want people to notice a change of mood in me, to take interest. I want people's attention. I want to be encouraged, all the time actually. Who doesn't? 

   The majority of my thinking, is the dichotomy of doing things for people and seeking their approval, or just being okay with Gods approval and His attention. Some days are harder than others. 

I have a lot of dichotomy in my thinking, it's rather frustrating. 

But I share this (and I could share so much more, who is really don't feel like bearing all on the internet, nor do I really care to bare all to individuals most of the time...but really I want to...another dichotomy) 

because I love Jesus so so so so so much. My life, also revolves around Him, in all honesty. I have been taught, and have learned how to think about Him more and involve Him more and to fix my eyes on him more, and it's difficult, especially in the midst of bad days, but He somehow always brings me back to Him, which I am grateful for! But I also am in Ministry...and I work in the church, am involved in my church, and am a worship leader. So, people sometimes can get the idea that I am super spiritual, and holy, and have everything together. Which sometimes, it seems like I do and that I am...but I'm still figuring this following Jesus thing out too. I'm still being sanctified. I still fail and have bad days. I'm not always godly. I'm not always spiritual. I can be quite surfacey...because it's safe. But sometimes going deep, is refreshing and reveals the heart and is what makes me fall in love with people and especially more in love with Jesus, and what helps shape and mold my charachter and my heart and challenges my way of thinking, and my way of living.

So I write this, just to let u know that I'm a sinner. To confess that I sometimes would prefer the affirmation of people over God. And that I have bad days too. We are all the same.  None of us are better than each other. God loves us all the same. We are all His children, and He blesses and disciplines us all. 

Now, to do what all spiritual people do to relax....sleep and netflix....😧😝

✌️ peace and ❤️ love brethren. 

Walk in the Spirit

So, there's this song. That has swept the nations. And so it should, because it's an incredible song. 

When this song first came out, I made it my prayer to God. Especially the bridge of the song. 

Have you ever heard the phrase, 'careful what you pray for?" (Wish for is the more popular one, but i have definitely heard people say that about prayer too!" Because God answers prayers. Especially when they align with His will, and in the end, conform us to the image of Jesus Christ.

Well, I realized this past week, that my prayer is currently being answered. God answers prayers when we least expect Him to, and in ways that we don't even catch that they are answered prayers. Or, we just aren't expecting God to actually answer, so we don't look for Him to be moving and answering. I think it's more often than not, the latter one. And I confess, that's probably why I didn't see this. I had forgotten I had prayed this prayer, because sometimes I just get used to singing a song or reciting a verse. But I want my heart to always be in it. And God knows my heart, more deeply than anyone, He created it, had molded it and is molding it, it is in His hands, it is His.

So, God is answering my prayer of:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

   Oceans (where feet may fail) by Hillsong United

He is leading me where there is becoming a lack of borders to my trust in Him, I am walking where He has called me, and it's not easy and it's only drawing me deeper into Him and deeper into His heart and His power...where my feet could never take me. And He is taking me through things, where my faith in Him is crucial, and I am seeing and witnessing first hand that faith in Him truly makes me stronger, because it's all about Him and not me. His will, and not mine. And all of this, is in His Presence. By His incredible Holy Spirit, who enables, who comforts, who whispers, who leads. There is power in the Spirit, and in His presence. That enables us to have more faith, and to trust without borders. He breaks down walls. He protects. He is wild. He is steadfast. He is faithful. He is worth it.

I leave you with this incredible verse:

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

Ephesians 3:20-21

Crazy week

This has been a very interesting week. Not what I would have expected at all, but I guess that's what make sit exciting, because God is clearly at work.

I don't even really know how to word what I want to share, but I just know that I want to share,

It's been another week of being awake at times I just want to be sleeping. This is becoming pretty current, and really, I am okay with this. Because I know for a fact it is God keeping me awake,to pray for my brothers and sisters who need it. In these times, when certain people are stuck on my heart, I have started to just ask God what it is that they need to hear or they need prayer for in that moment, rather than just praying what I feel or think. But asking God what they need and trusting Him in that. 

It's been an emotional week. A week where I've been quite sentimental and falling in love with people all over again. It's been a week where difficult conversations have been needed to have. It's also been a week where conversations have been extremely encouraging, and uplifting. It's been a week where I am realizing all that God is really teaching me and things that need to be changed in my own life. 

It's been a week where the Holy Spirit has just been so evident and alive in my heart where I absolutely cannot ignore Him and have to be obedient. 

It's been an interesting week. 

It's been a Good week.

It's been a Spirit-filled week.

Friends, it truly is never a dull moment in following Jesus.

Just walk WITH Him, and seek His face. For He says that when we seek Him, we will find Him! 

Seek Jesus my friends. You will find Him. He will reveal Himself to You.

✌️ peace in the name of Jesus Christ.

Late night meditations

There is so much depth to the love of my God.

As I sit wide awake mentally, and extremely tired physically here at 1:30am, with God laying people on my heart, and thinking about how much I love this person, and that person, and yet My heart loves them in such completely different ways, I can't help but think about the depth of His love.

  We can love others in a way that Paul loved Timothy, as a spiritual parent. We can love others like David and Jonathan, in a deep friendship....

For me, it feels impossible to express in words, as many things are when it comes to my Heavenly Father. And I am okay with that, because He is so other than. 

Either way, our hearts yearn for others. The more we experience different emotions, the more open our hearts become to the love of God. The deeper we feel, the deeper we love. And for some this may be frightening, and it sure can be. But it is also a complete privilege, and incredible blessing. For to have the heart of God, we must love like Him.

   And when I sit and think about those my heart deeply loves, I realize how much more the LORD loves....because He loves perfectly, without sin. Where we love imperfectly, while on this earth, because of sin. We forsake the love we feel and have  all the time. But God never forsakes His love for His creation; for us. And we can rest in Him. Wherever we are at, whatever walk of life we are in. He is faithful, and abounding in grace and love. 

Allow yourself to fall in love. With Jesus. With people. Your life will be changed. Your heart will change. Your mindset will change. Allow the perfect Love of Christ to bring redemption and freedom to your life.

He is Good. 

I leave you with a probably the most popular Psalm out there. But one of my favorites, for the mighty comfort and peace and truth it brings.

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 

He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. " 

Psalm 23

I'll take a side of grace with that please!

There's been some odd things happening/going on in me very recently. Some which I'm not so willing to disclose to you, but some being such as blogging so incredibly much...lol, and most recently...currently...not really sleeping.

If you know me, you probably know that I never have a problem sleeping. I can sleep anytime, anywhere. And I sleep good. I rarely wake up in the middle of the night. If I do, I assume The Lord has someone for me to pray for, or some reason that I am not sure of.

4 out of the last 5 nights have been the most uncomfortable, and the worst nights of sleeping for me probably that I can remember. I have no clue what The Lord is doing in and through me, which is a common theme in this new season of life, there are many things I am having to adjust in my life and am learning. And i sure do hope this not sleeping thing....does not last like I hope some of the other things going on in my life do.

I'm not quite sure where I am going with this blog, seeing as it is 230am, but I guess one thing, just even from this past week that I am learning....is that you just need to endure. I am not in control of my life. I can't control what I feel...i can't control my sleeping patterns (I'm not one for medication...for myself) I sometimes can't even control what I do (especially in times of worship in the presence of God.) God is always sanctifying us, to become more like Him. For which I am grateful, for that is my ultimate desire; to be more like Christ.

I love how God works in my life. I love the crazy things He does, and is currently doing. 

Earlier this past week, my attitude was full of frustration when things didn't go as I had expected...now I can tell at the end of that week/beginning of a new week, my attitude is a much different one. One that embraces what is put before me, and takes it with grace. I still may need a bit more grace, but the frustration levels are significantly lower. And I praise God for that, and am grateful that He has heard my prayers and is answering my prayers. 

"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."  Hebrews 12:7-11