Redemption is just around the bend.

We all hurt.

We are all broken.

We all at some points, act out of that hurt.

Hurting people, hurt people.

I've heard this be said for a number of years now. And as I have always agreed with this statement, it never fully settled into my heart, until this season I am currently in.

You see, I have been hurt all of my life. By words, by actions, by ignorance, by unmet expectations, by facial expressions, by avoidance, by fear, by physical pain...some brought on by myself, some by strangers, and some by those closest to me. I am 110% positive, that whoever you are reading this, can 110% relate. Because we are God's creations living in a sinful human body. Hurt is going to be apart of our lives, in this imperfect world. The question is, (big pause) what are we going to do with this hurt we feel?

Are we going to run and hide from it? act like it doesn't exist.

    because when we do that, thats usually when anger and bitterness arise. it might take, oh, lets say 20 years....or 3 years.....or 5 minutes....but i can guarantee you, emotions will rise.

Are we going to recognize it? confront it. whether thats the person who hurt you, or just the thing that hurts.

Are we going to let it go?

  In order to let the hurt go, we have to be able to recognize it. and not just recognize it, but allow ourselves to feel the hurt. to walk through it. to not fear it. beause when we walk through it, whether its years of hurt, a lifetime of hurt, or a moment of hurt, there is always redemption and healing and restoration on the other side, in the Kingdom of God because we have the Healer, and the bestest Friend and person who understands our hurt in Jesus Christ.

My hurts from my childhood, teenage years, and adulthood thus far, have caught up with me. I was/am an emotional runner. I feel most everything very intensely and deeply. So when my hurts (which hadn't been dealt with, but swept under the rug so to speak) caught up with me over this past year, particularly the last couple of months with a new season of life, I ran. I ran from people, my community, myself, my emotions, my heart, my God...

     and anger and bitterness swelled up inside of me. They took over my hurt. Eventually, my actions came out of that place and becasue of that I have some apologizing and forgiveness asking to do. (Which is in the works, i just need some courage.) But through all of the running and hurt and anger, God was and is still pursuing me. I fought hard, to win....but fighting against God....never goes well. He always wins. And softly, gently, quietly, and patiently, He has been whispering, moving, tenderizing my heart again. Bringing back the pieces of me that I have lost over the past couple of years, only with more depth. Bringing light to my hurts, and making me walk through them, and the best part is that I haven't been alone. I have been trying to be alone, but He has not let me alone. Because He is faithful, and loves unconditionally. Even when we try to hurt Him, and purposely ignore Him, He still is right there waiting for us...only there are often consequences (seeing as He is Holy and a Father!).

I share all of this for this simple reason: To hopefully spur you on. To spur you on to endurance, to go deeper, to stop running, to embrace what God has for you now no matter how glamorous, or completely ugly of a place/season it is. To not be afraid of your emotions and/or what you are capable of or not capable of because God is greater and if you submit, He will redeem and restore you. You can't win on your own. No matter how hard you fight. you can't win against Christ. He will ALWAYS win, so if you're going to fight, your better of fighting for Him, and not against Him.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. For we are like sheep who have gone astray, yet the Lord laid our iniquity on His Son, Jesus Christ, to make us righteous. And out of the anguish of Jesus' soul He saw you and me made perfect by His blood and was satisfied.

For everything there is a season

So, I haven't blogged for 2 weeks...there's been a lot on my mind and some wrestling to do.

 Some of you may already know, or have heard bits and pieces, so I am here to either tell you for the first time, or to put the pieces together.

About a week ago I was talking with a friend and the statement was made, 'whoever said life with Christ is boring...because it surely isn't!" I have been in a relationship with Christ for 14 years and 

In my time with Him, things are constantly changing. There is always some kind of excitement or trial...; always a lesson to be learning...and that just becomes life when we surrender our lives to Christ. As a late 20's something, I have been humbled and continue to be so. When your a teenager, we expect by the age of like 21 to be married with kids...then when we get to the age of 21 and we're not married with kids..we either praise God because we realize how immature we are, or we ask God why. 

And we make choices of how to respond when we reach certain ages, or stages of life, when our expectations of those ages and things accomplished or have not been accomplished aren't what we may have thought.

I was sure when I was a teenager, that by the age I am at now, I would have my career, I would be married and have a family, be settled down somewhere...basically that I would have life figured out. How naive and silly we can be (at any age). The truth... I am not married, nor have I started a family of my own, nor do I know vocationally what I will do for the rest of my life (even though I have dreams and ideas). And you know what, I am content with all of this. I have wrestled with these things, numerous times, as to why they weren't happening, each time coming to the conclusion that; God is greater and I trust Him, even if these things never come to fruition in my life. I've learned that people change careers in their 30's, or 40's, or 50's! People still wrestle in marriages in their 80's! And as long as we are on this earth, there will be sin, and with sin, comes temptation and selfishness. The struggle is real friends, and I believe it is a struggle we must persevere through continually, for the sake of knowing Christ.

And sometimes, God just keeps changing things, and that is completely okay. We don't aways know why, but we just know He is at work and He has His reasons. Change is a good thing, and needed sometimes, especially when God directs it. So with all of that, I have made the decision to step down from a staff position at Off The Wall Ministry. This has been a very difficult decision for me to make, and has been invited in with a lot of prayer and confirmation because of how much this ministry and the staff mean to me. OTW has been instrumental in helping me develop my gifts and grow in my relationship with Christ and with others in community in my early 20's. And I will be forever grateful, and they will forever be my community. But now, it seems that God has other plans and I only have to be obedient. What exactly those plans are, and what the future holds, I do not know for sure. I know that I have immense peace for where I am at and am being led into, and I already have seen God's hand in this new season of life immensely which is very encouraging and I am very excited about what the future holds. Even if right now it's just being at home and working.

This past year has been really difficult for me, full of stress and confusion. But one major thing I learned, is truly where my heart is. Even in complete desert and dryness, my heart belongs to Christ and my heart is for the church. God's bride. I long to build up and edify God's bride, and that has always been my heart, and so that is certainly the direction I am continuing to walk in. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, for it will be difficult to transition after 5 years of intense ministry to not be near as involved. I still plan to volunteer occasionally in whatever ways possible with OTW after some time to just take to myself and with my Heavenly Father. 

For those who have supported me the past few years in whatever way, I am extremely grateful to you and for you. For those who have done nothing but encourage me, you have brought me hope and belief when I didn't have any. 

This is also my year of Celebration I have decided. I have been through the fire, and I know more fire's will come. But through these past fires, my faith has been strengthened, through ministry my relationship with Christ and who I am, have only been strengthened. I know more than I used to. I feel more than I used to. I know and fully believe that Christ is good in all situations, and that I can praise Him in any season, in any emotion or lack of, simply because He is worthy and His presence is with me in all of it. So i am choosing to Celebrate. To learn to celebrate in different ways. And the best part about this is....that this word, Celebrate, was given to me before this new season even arrived.

I am beyond blessed, with an amazing community who loves me deeply and supports me and I am so very grateful, words cannot express the amount of love and support I already feel. The peace that passes all understanding, is truly worth everything. #Jesus 

So whoever you are, whatever season you are in. Celebrate it. It won't last forever. And there is much for you in this time. And never forget that God is with you. 

 ✌🏼 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God." Philippians 1:27-28

Which perspective is yours?

I am a fool.

Sometimes, I judge people for their weaknesses. I get embarrassed for them. I feel pity for them.

Only to be reminded...that when we boast in our weaknesses, God's strength is showcased.

Vulnerability is a very scary thing. You never know how people will respond to you. You open yourself up to rejection, to humiliation... to looking like a fool in this world's viewpoint. But the thing I have been reminded of and convicted of, is that the viewpoint of God's Kingdom, is so very different from this world's, and yet I find myself adapting more to the viewpoints of the world than the Kingdom of God and as a disciple of Jesus, this is not an okay thing.

Instead, to look like a fool in the world's eye, that is in this instance, to be vulnerable, to share and boast in your weaknesses, is a privilege and an honorable act. Christ was beaten down, and humiliated

by this world we live in, many of His follower's were martyr'd and/or imprisoned, and still are to this day. So i ask the question, is Christ worth looking and feeling foolish in the eyes of the world for?!

 The answer should be yes. If it is not, I suggest we pray that our mindsets be changed. I know I need to.

In the book of Philippians, Paul tells us that we will share in Jesus' sufferings...and we do by being humiliated sometimes, by being humbled, by being vulnerable, by being uncomfortable, by being weak, because through all of these things that the world views as so bad, God is glorified, and we are made stronger because all of our sudden our dependence is no longer on ourselves, or on people in this world, but on God. And that is where our dependence needs to be.  on Jesus Christ.

So i challenge you, and myself included, to be vulnerable. Especially with those you trust, and those in your community. Admit to your faults. Stop lieing about how you are doing, and be honest. Confess your sins; your lust, your fears, the lies you have been believing, your bitterness and unforgiveness, the lies you have been telling, your pride, your ungodliness....

And have grace and receive grace, because God's grace is never exhausted on you. He gives and gives and gives, as should we to others.

I need prayer. I wrestle with the enemy everyday. I wrestle with fears, lust, lies of all sorts (believing and telling). Sometimes I don't have the strength to wrestle, so I give in. More than I would like to admit. I am stubborn and prideful, and I need people to fight alongside me. Just like you need people to fight alongside you. God is good. God is worthy of all of our praise, even in the struggles. Jesus has paid the price, He has gone in our place, we are already victorious and are already seated with Him in glory. Let's walk that way. Let's fight the good fight of faith, and grow in the reliance of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and grow in our knowledge of Him and our intimacy with Him.

Fight against the perspective of the world, to gain the perspective of God's Kingdom.

"Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my LORD. For his sake I have uffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Crist and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...." Philippians 3:8-10

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persucutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

What are you looking for?

Everyday we are looking for something. Whether that is a specific individual thing, on different days, or multiple things in one day...our eyes are always searching.

We look to see if somebody saw that tear.

We look to see if anybody noticed us trip over that rock.

We look for attention.

We look for acceptance.

We look for our wallets or our phones.

We look at ourselves in the mirror to see if we  have something in our teeth or if our hair is set just right.

We look for what to wear.

We look at what other people are wearing.

We look at words written on a page or on the internet.

We look at facial expressions in reaction to things said or done.

We look for food.

...

This list could go on and on and on...I wonder if you have ever taken the time to think through all the things that your eyes take in and look at every single day...or even for an hour...what all you see and look at and for. I know I haven't. And thinking about it now, its quite overwhelming and fascinating at how much my eyes actually see...and yet it saddens me at what I truly am looking for half the time.

Because what I should be looking for, and what I want to be looking for, are glimpses of God.

I want to be looking for His love.

His beauty.

His peace.

His joy.

His grace.

His mercy.

His acceptance.

His movement.

His hands in everyday tasks.

His providence.

His way of pursueing me.

His friendship.

His forgiveness.

.... (this list could go on forever too)

For myself, and for others.

These are things that I don't look for enough, and that I don't often see on a normal basis. But I should. 99% of the time, I choose what I am looking at. What I don't often think about, is how what I am looking at effects me. What I am seeing...how it is effecting my thoughts and my emotions and my feelings and especially my relationship and intimacy with God.

I want to have purpose in my eyes, and in what I look at and am looking for every day. I want to see God more. I want to choose to see God more each hour, each minute. I want to be changed and drawn closer to God in what I am at. And in looking FOR Him, I will find Him. And there will be growth, and a change in attitude and perspective.

"'And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD and i will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive." Jeremiah 29:13-14

God stories

I really like the title of my last blog. It is something that has stayed in my head all weekend. And it is something to continue to think about, to do, and to blog about.

Celebrate Life.

This week, I had the great privilege of watching 2 people in need, who don't really have anything, celebrate what little they have. I got to play a role in that, I got to watch the joy in their faces and the tears roll down their faces. I got to be blessed, by their hope in God and excitement for the provision of the LORD. It was, to say the least, refreshing. 

It reminded me that I love to help people. Not just spiritually walking people through things, or in discipleship, or charachter things, I love doing that. But i also love to be able to help provide, or even be apart first hand of providing worldly needs, and physical needs. That ultimately isn't the goal, the goal is to show the of Christ and lead people to Him, but the hope is that through giving of what resources we have available, God uses it. And this week, I saw it. and I hope it happens more.

So here's the story.

A lady and her boyfriend have been camping off of the highway. She had a sign that said "need tent" and some lady stopped and prayed for her and told her to call OTW, that we would be able to help her. I ended up being the one to get back in contact with her after she left a message. And i am thrilled that I was that one. She told me the story of how her and her boyfriend got to this area, and that they have to stay here for a couple months until her boyfriend (who is missing an eye, and is almost blind in the other eye) can get social security. All that she asked for, was for a tent, a tarp, and socks. No money, no food, just a shelter from all the rain and wind, and warmth and protection for their feet because they walk a lot. So the church ended up getting these things for them and off Don and I went to meet this lady and her boyfriend. I pulled in the Mcdonald's driveway and we saw this man and woman, and i asked the lady her name, and it was them. We gave them the tent, tarp and socks, and the tears just rolled down the boyfriends face. And the ecitement and squeals from the woman were beautiful. I believe she loves Jesus, because she ended up writing down some verses for us before we arrived and gave it to us, and even prayed with us. She also asked to be picked up to come to church on Sunday. So hopefully, some of you possibly reading this, may meet this sweet couple. Don and I just fell in love with them. There is something so endearing about them. And what's funny is that we have no clue who the person is that told them to contact to OTW. Maybe an angel in disguise! We don't know, but either way, God provided. And We were, and are, extremely blessed to have been apart of what God had going on for that day.

It's changing my heart. Changing my perspective. Today i flew to Hawaii. I am currently on our last flight as I type this, and usually when I fly I make a point to not talk to anyone, to just mind my own business. But I have been beside two girls in peticular that have had really stressful days, and big changes/moves happening today. And all I wanted to do was talk more, but I didnt talk away because it also seemed like they wanted space. But i did pray. And continue to pray. Because life is worth celebrating. And you never know who God will put in your path to encourage, to bless, to pray for, to talk to, to notice....its just a matter of it we are paying attention or not, and if we are willing.

So i ask, are you willing to hear the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit spurring you onto love and good deeds? 

Celebrate Life

Today I got to shower some love, along with plenty of other people, on one of my best friend's who is pregnant. It was a very joyous occasion, full of laughter and smiles, ooh's and aah's, excitement screeches, and even a few shed tears. 

It's really cool to watch the whole pregnancy process. To see the belly grow, and to feel the baby kick, and where she is inside the womb. The body is a truly amazing thing, that does things that blows my mind. Things that the majoirt of times, we aren't even aware that it is doing. The fact that a little human can grow inside a female body is insane (and that's just one thing among thousands...). Babies are sometimes 20 inches when they are born...that was inside a female body! HOW CAN YOU NOT BE AMAZED!! A life...a living being, is growing, and developing....and it is a beautiful, amazing, God ordained thing. That we celebrate. And we should.

And yet....i hear, i see, i experience, all to often, people not celebrating life. Not celebrating the life that God has given them. We were once little humans being grown in a womb. Little embryos. We had no life. We had no purpose, until God brought us to be and gave us life and breath. And then He gives us that privilege to care and nurture and carry a life. Yes, for some people that can be having a child, but for every single one of us, it is to actually live life. The life we have been given. I see too many people not living life. I see so much grumbling because of the past or expectations of the future, so much negativity and skepticism because things haven't turned out the way we expected or wanted...im sorry but GET OVER IT.

Life is a gift. Life is a privilege. Our bodies are amazing and do amazing things. Our minds and our hearts are a part of that body. Take care of it, celebrate it when it does things right. Our life in this body will not last forever. That's the even more amazing thing! Our souls are eternal! Our bodies will eventually fail us and stop working. But we will have new bodies in heaven, eternal, holy, purified bodies. Imagine what we could do with pure, completely holy bodies?! Even more things to celebrate, especially being in the presence of Jesus!

I challenge you, and especially myself, because I fall into complacency and discontentment all to often, to CELEBRATE life! Find things to be grateful for and rejoice! 

Rejoice always. Again i will say, rejoice!

Flesh vs. Spirit. Which one are you hungry for?

I have given myself goals for each week to accomplish. These goals are things that draw me closer to Christ. One of them in reading 2 chapters of a book each week. This morning as I was reading Ravi Zacharias I was struck by what I was reading about, and how pertinent this is for me, and for the people I surround myself with. And of course, it can tie in with the sermons from Sunday, and into what I have been reading in the Scriptures as well. How convenient eh?

First, a couple questions to challenge yourself with:

How do we view God? How do YOU view God?

Is He distant? Or is He near?

Is He All Powerful, or is He just powerful?

Is He Good, or is He just good enough?

Is He worth everything, or is He worth only some things?

...

What do you crave?

Do you crave things of the flesh, or things of the Spirit?

Do you crave Jesus, or do you crave men?

Do you crave freedom, or do you crave shackles?

Do you crave the world, or do you crave The Kingdom?

...

I see people not living. I see people wishing for things to be so different than they are. I see people not willing to live in the now, not being okay with God being LORD of their lives, but wanting to be lord of their lives instead. This looks like discontentment, lazyness, lack of trust and faith...And this is something we all must walk through, and learn from. And I admit, I still struggle with this more often than I would like to admit.

In chapter 4 in the book Jesus among other Gods, Ravi mentioned this play, where a woman asks "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?

The only way one can realize life while one lives it is if he or she realizes that life is not a matter of nutrition alone but of the greater hunger that is beyond words and food. We do not live so that we can eat, nor do we just eat so that we can live. Life is worth living in and of itself. Life cannot be satisfied when it is lived out as a consuming entity..."

I see people (myself included) living life very one-track minded. With one entity in mind. And that entity, being themselves. We forget, as believers especially, that there is a spiritual realm, something greater than us. Our lives are not just about us, or what we see here and now, what we feel here and now. There is a battle going on that we cannot see, but so often that we can feel, and cannot understand, and we dont seem to give any attention to it sometimes for that reason (lack of understanding).

Yesterday while flying to Boston, I was reading in Isaiah 6, quite a famous passage. But as I was reading it, i was struck by the beginning, and challenged by my view of God and how I worship, by the way that the seraphim worshiped the LORD.

     The seraphim has 6 wings, and in the presence of the LORD, 2 of those wings covered his face, and 2 covered his feet, and the other 2 he flew with. And there was more than 1 serpaphim, and in God's presence, one called out to another, 'Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory." (Isaiah 6:3)

      The presence of the LORD is always with me. And when I am with fellow believers, brothers and sisters, do I call out to another how Holy God is, and how the earth is full of His glory? Of all His goodness and the works that He has done? 

    I can say that sometimes I do, but I definately should be doing this more. And I definately should find more ways to do so, other than just on a  Sunday morning on the worship team. But on a daily basis, whether thats by words, or by actions, or however else the Spirit can lead me to worship and I can be obedient to share all He has done.

That is what we are unaware of. How the earth groans for the coming of the LORD. How these spiritual beings that we cannot see, worship the LORD, and how the angels fight for the LORD, often times on our behalf. How the Spirit is alive and at work in us and through us, calling out to us to come and be with Him because He is with us. We just have to do the work, that God has already given us and created for us. (Eph 2:10)

So i leave you with more questions to ponder. I dreamt that I wrote some of these the other night, so now I am doing it, and I hope and pray that you seriously consider what is more important to you, and if you are willing to do whatever it takes to love the LORD your God with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Because it is not easy, but it is worth every effort. Every tear. Every act of rejoicing. Everything...that feels good and bad. Christ is worth it. Where is you focus? What is your perspective? Do you need to broaden it, to a kingdom focus rather than a worldly focus?

   I know I need to change, I need to grow, I need a shift in focus. So....

Is joy worth the sorrow?

Is freedom worth the shackles?

Is healing worth the pain?

Is suffering worth the turmoil?

Is understanding worth the confusion?

Is beauty worth the refineing?

Is completeness worth the work?

Is fulfillment worth the hunger?

Is safety worth the danger?

Is peace worth the chaos?

Is the outcome worth the wait?

Is the Eternal Kingdom of God, worth the fight?